dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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