i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize