So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
