Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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