Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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