She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
