And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
