im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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