She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
