All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
