I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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