Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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