He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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