I love black thongs
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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