Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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