I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
