I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
