so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize