well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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