The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
