She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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