I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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