Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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