I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
