Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
