remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
