Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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