No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
