i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
