Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Duck Duck Cougar?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
