I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
