He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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