i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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