i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
