I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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