I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
