the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's just like the Real World with babies
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
