at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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