tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
