You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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