I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
