my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
