I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
