yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize