i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
