I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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