I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
