Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
