just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize
