just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
