Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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