You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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