that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
