Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
