upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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