Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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