Got a toothbrush?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
