You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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