This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
