The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm both gender and math confused
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
