Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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