I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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