1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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