I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
