stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
