he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
