Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
