My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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